In the morning, I'm a creature of habit. And today was no different.
I sat both of my children down at the kitchen island, gave them their breakfast and then proceeded to open the blinds on the window above my kitchen sink. In a manner that was almost overwhelming, the sun came barreling in those blinds today with an energy and radiance that seemed to light up my whole house.
Then my four year old, Benjamin exclaims with a huge smile on his sweet face, "There's grandma!! Look mom, it's grandma!" I froze. Couldn't decide if I could turn around and look. Partly because I knew what Benjamin was seeing before his innocent eyes was most likely present, but partly because I knew it would not be for me to see.
While giggling, Benjamin continues, "She's playing hide and seek mom! Haha! Hi Grandma! Hehe! She's funny, mom!"
Believe what you will. For me, this morning was a glorious reminder that my mother is always with us.
Yesterday was 2 months since mom passed away and some things just haven't gotten easier. I still want to pick up the phone and call her every single day. My mind will say, oh... mom would crack up if I told her... oh, wait. Wait. And of course the process of my thought to the realization I can't call her is mere seconds. But I still feel like I hit a brick wall going 120mph every time.
The truth is I knew this wasn't going to be easy. Losing someone you adore never is, right? And just when you think some of the pieces in your broken heart are starting to reattach, you walk into her house and you fall apart all over again. Again and again. My mind is certain that she's going to be walking down her staircase. Or sitting at the kitchen table. Then here comes that brick wall again.
The good news is that Ray, Becky, Ashley and I have received tremendous support from our family and friends. And we are so grateful for that. Ray has gone back to work and the girls are enjoying their summer vacation. Our much needed break is in full swing and fortunately this mild summer has been a big dose of calm for all of us.
Finally - today I uploaded a tribute to mom on the Ovarian Cancer Research Foundation website. Take a look when you have a moment. :)
Love,
Lauren
2 comments:
Lauren,
I love your reference to the "brick wall". I had a similar situation recently. Suzanne and I used to talk about our shows in the mornings after we watched ER or Rescue Me or whatever the show that season happened to be. This season when Rescue Me started, I almost forgot for a moment that she wasn't here to have that conversation with! It's the little things that help us remember her. :) I miss her also and I hope ya'll are coping well. Thanks for updating us on your blog! Much Love, Crystal Bowen
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